I Just Changed

I've almost finished reading the geeta. Something inside me wants me to have access to other spiritual texts before I finish reading this great one. I don't want to end up having nothing to read and further my knowledge.

I started changing a few things about my daily life. I hope to accelarate to that stage where I want to be, so that tiny questions riddling my mind can resolve themselves and my bigger plan can be divided into smaller goals and actions. Once that happens I will be at peace, and continue at a regular pace towards all my destiny. It is difficult to stop anticipating the results of my endeavours. Even though I can see a road covered with thorns and miseries, I can't help sitting and imagining where I will be in the end, how beautiful it will be, how nice, how pacifying it will be. I feel like running into the tasks I must accomplish and hastening to the end point where I will be escorted out of my struggle.

True, my mind will become more and more quiet as I proceed. I will be more and more peaceful, happier, saner. All I can think though, is how to get there faster, quicker, when will I be successful? No patience. I have none of it. It will also come to me like everything else has come to me.

I can see my feet in two different boats right now. I know which boat I want to step into. I will step onto that boat or dive into the water, but I will never go on that other boat. That other boat where crazy aquaintances are fooling themselves by trying to help me back into the miserable boat. I have to get rid of the tug, stop feeling it.

I feel so terrible about still having a foot on the old boat. Still attached to those things that I now know I don't need, yet to discard these attachments. I think, how I would like to classify myself as a queen, but know inside my heart that the truth is I am a commoner. How I want to elevate myself but know that I have no idea how to begin, how to plan the move. I know exactly what things are wrong with me, and I have no idea how to begin undoing them. I am speckled with faults. I would love to think that I am spotless, pure. But I know I am not. What a realisation to have. How can I know the right thing and still indulge in the wrong? Probably because I have not understood correctly. Nor do I understand why its wrong. When I fully know why its wrong I will automatically feel uninterested in the temptations.

My feet are firm right now, and I am still figuring out how to take my foot off the old boat. But I have to wait for some time, and I know that a storm will brew soon, and I know I will be pushed and thrown around by the storm, but the foot already aboard my beloved boat will remain where it is. There is no question of backing out now. That part of me which is convinced about what is good for me will never change back, even if I were to die right now.