True

Yes its true that I know a lot of things, but do I understand the implications?

I know that Death is not to be feared, it is only a phenomenon which allows freedom to the soul trapped in the body. But at the time of death, the body convulses under auto-reflex, and the mind becomes ten thousand times more agitated than ever before. In this terrible condition one has to concentrate on Krishna. Only then can the soul be allowed to travel ahead to Krishnaloka. It must be quite difficult. No wonder then that devotees spend entire lives concentrating on nothing save Krishna, so that at the time of death the only thing that could possibly come to their minds is Krishna. I am scared of failing at the crucial hour.

Another thing I know is that Karma Yoga has been declared the best by Krishna himself. But how is one supposed to cease the constant stimuli in the surroundings from affecting oneself? I am scared of this second thing, falling into a trap without realising it.

I feel bad sometimes that I focus and dwell on how cool I will feel practising the things I've learnt. I know thats a bad attitude, I should only be thinking about my end point and how to get there. I suppose its true then, that I do have some latent desires, which will never go away because I am part of Krishna. He is the most beautiful, all powerful, all knowledge, all famous, all opulent. And I, being part of Him, cannot help but want all those things which have been given to me by modes of nature in tiny doses.

These modes of material nature - goodness, passion and ignorance are making this body perform tasks, making it involved in the world, making it do good and bad and making it gather karma. I have to alienate myself from this body, focus on Krishna, and soon I will be out of the hands of Krishna's inferior energy, Maya, and under the control of Shri Krishna. It will be the intermediate stage where I am sometimes focusing on Krishna, and sometimes feeling like this body that will be confusing and difficult. Its already happening, but I want it to resolve soon.

I wonder how it is to feel nothing but pure unconditional love in the spirit state, will I become gullible to passers-by and follow them into lower planets? Or will I be met by someone who will take a test to find out how ready I am and send me back or to another place instead of letting me go home? Its true, they all say it. The time of testing your true knowledge and the time of testing your conviction and determination comes at the final hour. If you fail then, you were never into it in the first place, you then deserve to start again from scratch.

How am I to do it, and get it right the first time? I think its because I am forewarned of the points of maximum chances of failure that I will have a one up. But I better not screw up, this is my one chance and I can't afford to ruin it.