Hiding from the Mercy

I am discovering in myself a great desire to enjoy mental happiness, even though it is a source of anxiety and suffering. I am allowing my mind to dictate my actions, even while chanting, because I want it. I don't want to surrender to Krishna. I'm fine with not surrendering to Him as long as I can enjoy mental happiness and laziness.

I pray for being able to chant without offenses, but my duplicity remains intact. I neglectfully chant because I have faith, I know there is some wonderful thing about chanting. But I have no love, respect, gratitude, or realization of the gravity of the situation. My guru is bleeding profusely, gallons of blood for my welfare. And I am playing with fire. Allowing myself to drown. I am not sincere in my endeavor. I am trying to maintain a status quo - but that means I will be washed away in due course.

I must FIGHT. I must be greedy to develop devotion.