Anger
Indolence, lethargy and anger continue to be part of my everyday routine. I am working in the mode of Darkness. Unless I do something about it I am doomed.
I must meditate on Shri Hari, I must ask Him time and again what I lack, where I go wrong and how to make myself useful in the remaining life of this body.
When I heard discussions about the souls inexistance I was furious. I was determined to convince everyone that they were wrong and prove to them that I was right. The problem was that I don't know why I wanted to do that (to save them from misery). Ok I know why but who are they to me? (parts and parcels of my all amazing God). But didn't I know that stupid people don't see reason? (someday they all are supposed to). And if it isn't their time their time will come someday and maybe my words will make it easier to grasp and understand, easier to digest. Really? But why did I loose my patience, temper and calm? Why did I scream? Why did I make myself a person no one would want to listen to anyways? Was there any other way? Yes of course there was. But I don't seem to be at a stage where I can use other ways.
Maybe in the course of this body's lifetime I will learn to be patient, understanding and calm. I will learn to present facts in a more suitable way.
Something tells me that everyone there knew what I was talking about. And everyone of them was refusing my proposal to fulfill their own ends. They don't want to be disturbed from their course of action. They would rather continue living in this fantasy and so avoid any confrontation with the truth. And because I could see that I knew I would never be heard out, I screamed and shouted and screeched. I wasted my energy.
My energy, ojhas, my voice, my breath, my movements. My energy. The energy created for my use by my beloved God. I wasted that. I had no right to do so. I apologise to you Krishna that I have been so careless with your gift to me. You give my energy and I misuse it. It is no wonder then that I do not deserve power. For I am bound to misuse it. As long as I am in this mode of Darkness and I don't detach myself I will be prone to making such terrible offences.
I finally am apologising to the right person for my behaviour. Thank you for still loving me, inspite of my attachments, thank you for giving me the chance to come out of my illusions. Thank you for everything. Please help me Krishna to start meditating on you and making my mind steady. Help me make this mind a friend. Help me understand the best interest for everything by telling me your will, and I will do exactly what you want me to do. Give me the right direction, that I may assist you in the betterment of things. Give me the knowledge I need. Give me the strength to carry out my duties. Give me the courage to face misery. Give me the sanity and patience to deal with victory humbly. Because in truth I have never won nor lost.
I must meditate on Shri Hari, I must ask Him time and again what I lack, where I go wrong and how to make myself useful in the remaining life of this body.
When I heard discussions about the souls inexistance I was furious. I was determined to convince everyone that they were wrong and prove to them that I was right. The problem was that I don't know why I wanted to do that (to save them from misery). Ok I know why but who are they to me? (parts and parcels of my all amazing God). But didn't I know that stupid people don't see reason? (someday they all are supposed to). And if it isn't their time their time will come someday and maybe my words will make it easier to grasp and understand, easier to digest. Really? But why did I loose my patience, temper and calm? Why did I scream? Why did I make myself a person no one would want to listen to anyways? Was there any other way? Yes of course there was. But I don't seem to be at a stage where I can use other ways.
Maybe in the course of this body's lifetime I will learn to be patient, understanding and calm. I will learn to present facts in a more suitable way.
Something tells me that everyone there knew what I was talking about. And everyone of them was refusing my proposal to fulfill their own ends. They don't want to be disturbed from their course of action. They would rather continue living in this fantasy and so avoid any confrontation with the truth. And because I could see that I knew I would never be heard out, I screamed and shouted and screeched. I wasted my energy.
My energy, ojhas, my voice, my breath, my movements. My energy. The energy created for my use by my beloved God. I wasted that. I had no right to do so. I apologise to you Krishna that I have been so careless with your gift to me. You give my energy and I misuse it. It is no wonder then that I do not deserve power. For I am bound to misuse it. As long as I am in this mode of Darkness and I don't detach myself I will be prone to making such terrible offences.
I finally am apologising to the right person for my behaviour. Thank you for still loving me, inspite of my attachments, thank you for giving me the chance to come out of my illusions. Thank you for everything. Please help me Krishna to start meditating on you and making my mind steady. Help me make this mind a friend. Help me understand the best interest for everything by telling me your will, and I will do exactly what you want me to do. Give me the right direction, that I may assist you in the betterment of things. Give me the knowledge I need. Give me the strength to carry out my duties. Give me the courage to face misery. Give me the sanity and patience to deal with victory humbly. Because in truth I have never won nor lost.
posted by Vyoma at Tuesday, July 05, 2005
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