Loving Krishna

Krishna Prema Nitya Siddha Sadhya kabu Noy
Shravan adi Shuddhi chitte Kariye Uday

So I love Krishna already in my heart, and I just have to revive this love.

I do feel Krishna's presence in my life from time to time, and I can sense His hints and subtle gestures. He warns me, informs me, reminds me, gives me insight and realizations... He likes to connect my memories with His message.

But I am confused about meditating on an associate like my Gurudeva and following in his mood. I can see his mood here is to preach nicely, through good behavior, exemplary accomplishments, and selfless service. So this - how is this connected with Vraj Lila? And wouldn't it be artificial to meditate on Gopi bhava and Vraj pastimes? When I get insights into Vraj Lila from my supersoul through the examples of famous songs and movies, is it just my material mind fooling me? Or is it Krishna? Trying to reveal that everything comes from Him?

I am confused. Especially when I think about gay relationships and how that might imply that at one point Krishna and His friends have more than just friendship, and it takes on a conjugal tone? It seems to me to be unthinkable - wrong - totally unacceptable. And yet, seeing the movie song Maa da Laadla bigad gaya playing in my head, thinking about this possibility, I can see that yes - it would totally fit. The gopis give up chastity. And the gopas become gay?

I might be making offenses. I think I am definitely too immature to be able to think about Vraja Lila without making offenses. When Aindra prabhu says - this is Radharani's favorite tune to sing in - and then sings - I am confused - because I cannot even begin to imagine that these two worlds I know of can overlap in this way. I actually have a boundary between "real" and "unreal" in my head - and the Vraja Lila is simply fantasy - movie-like and unreal. When will I be able to reconcile this conflict?

I am very fallen, miserly, offensive, and lazy. What can be said about me? And yet, I feel that I am being taught to tune in to these Lilas. But I think it is probably my mind and that I might be mislead if I go down this road. I would prefer to take shelter of Prabhupada.