Purification step by step

The first step seems to be that as I show my seriousness in Krishna Consciousness, my defects are revealed to me gradually. The recent events where I wrote an arrogant email to the temple, and exhibited false humility in the email as well as with Gurudeva when he said he was proud of me, is now revealed to me. I was not aware of the problem. Now I am aware - yes, I am envious. I have envy. I am not humble. I hanker for respect. I cannot handle not being respected.

I hanker for gratifying my lust. I have no attraction for Krishna's Names. I am most fallen. I am drowning in this conditioned state - with fumes of poison enveloping me, and I have no antidote to this poison. I am asleep under the influence of this poison, and there is no hope save Gaura Chandra. Only He can save me if He so desires.

I need the fruit of love of God. I must chant offenselessly. When I receive that pure love for Krishna, I will be able to give up my anarthas and surrender. Without love, surrender is not possible. And Shri Chaitanya is so merciful, that He is giving this love even to the lowest among mankind. He is not discriminating.

When will the day come, that I will cringe and beg genuinely for pure love? When will I serve the great Vaishnavas with humility and please them? When will they give me pure love for Krishna by becoming pleased with me? When will that day come?

I am struggling with rising early. My sadhana is so weak. If a storm comes, I wonder how I will be able to maintain my sadhana at that time, if it is so weak during peaceful times?

My interactions with other devotees are full of anger and sarcasm. How will I rectify this flaw in me? I cannot do it without the help of Shri Krishna Chaitanya. I pray and beg that I may develop the good qualities required to serve Him. I pray that I may be enthusiastic to serve and purify myself. I pray that I may be able to develop humility and tolerate all disrespect, while offering all respect to others.

I pray that I can be serious and not fool around so much, wasting time on facebook, with gossip and politics... It is such a waste of time. I hope I can move away from wasting time and apply the teaching: Anukulyasya sankalpa, pratikulyasya varjanam.

 I am so fallen and lost. I have low strength. I am a fool. And I yet think myself very intelligent and better than others. When will this envy leave my heart? When will my heart be spotlessly clean?