Two steps away from Surrender

What I need to do is surrender.

What I want to do, on the order of my mind and senses, is eat sweet things, facebook, and decide what to do in my free time, like relaxing, etc.

What is good for my soul is surrender. I don't want to live in a world of envious people. I don't want to be in prison anymore. It's time to leave. I need to remember who I am, and go back to where I belong.

What I need for surrender is:
1. genuine humility
2. greed for devotional service
3. desire to give up material attachments and wants
4. simplicity and sincerity

Do I have humility? A little bit. Not sufficient to get all the way there.
Do I have greed for service? Sometimes. If I've just got a taste, I have it, if I forgot, I don't.
Do I want to give up material desires and obligations? No. I am attached, and I don't want to give it up. I want Krishna Consciousness without giving up my attachment to stool.
Do I have simplicity and sincerity? No. I want to pretend to be wanting to surrender, but I don't want to give up being my own planmaker. I don't want to accept tapasya.

Tapasya is nothing but delayed gratification. It is denying oneself so that one can achieve higher bliss.

If I listen without wavering to the Holy Name, I will make progress. I can go deeper.

If I surrender without a good foundation of faith, it will crumble. I can't go into the fire and then walk back out and forget all about it as soon as I get some mystic power or prestige or whatever it is that seems to make me happy.

If I surrender, I can't allow my false ego's needs to ruin my surrender as soon as it starts.

So how do I go ahead, step by step, with introspection, avoiding jumping to the next level without becoming completely averse to my own good?

My mind is already complaining - you don't do this or that, at least this much you should do for yourself, your enjoyment, your body, your comforts, your pleasure.

And if I try - only Krishna's pleasure - without strong determination, taste, faith, and foundation, then very soon it will be - my pleasure, and if there is some chance, Krishna's pleasure also.

By the sword of knowledge, I must fight. I must remember - why? why? The mind is the enemy, the false ego is a fiend, the intelligence is polluted, senses are limited and addicted. Why I cannot trust them, but can trust paramatma, can trust shastra, can trust sadhu. How to prevent a downfall?

It's definitely not going to be a step change. It will be gradual. By degrees. As my faith increases, my surrender will increase, and my material contamination will decrease.

To go on the fast track, I have to be willing to become a patient in the hands of expert physicians. If they say sweets are bad for me, then I must listen and follow the right diet. I must bathe in cold water to send a clear message to my senses - I AM NOT YOUR SERVANT ANYMORE. I must not entertain my mind. I must be determined to give up the material conception of I and mine./

Can I do it? Do I really want to do it? Do I have what it takes to go through with this? Do I have the requisite faith and sincerity? Do I have the patience to wait for as long as it takes? Do I have the ability to resist tempting side effects and make them my goal?

Yes or no? Surrender now or am I too lazy to move out of my comfort zone despite everything I know?

Mercy of Sri Madan Mohan and Gurudeva

Madan is cupid, this material nature's attraction. And Madan Mohan enchants even him. That is, Madan Mohan can save us from this attraction by attracting us to Him. He reveals to you who you are, your relationship with Krishna, and who is Krishna. Then you can serve in your eternal identity according to the instructions of Gurudeva.

First we have to surrender to guru. Put faith in the guru and Krishna. Then we can achieve everything.

The desire to obtain devotion to Krishna comes when one bathes in the dust of the lotus feet of His premi-bhaktas.

This faith ensures that we can actually hear Krishna Katha. Otherwise we cannot hear. The sound will not enter our heart.

If we use our knowledge, desire, and activities to dovetail into service, then Krishna will reciprocate accordingly. He has given us these three things - knowledge, jnana shakti, desire, ichcha shakti, activity, kriya shakti. We need to use them wisely.

Unless you cry in your heart, how can I serve you Krishna? How can I stop serving my senses? How will help come? The guru, will see, if you follow his instructions, he will give the seed of devotion. Otherwise he will see you desire material enjoyment, then you get the seed of karma or jnana.

Everyday you must perform 5 devotional activities: Nama kirtana, Hari Katha, Sadhu Sanga, Mathura vasa, Archa Vigraha seva. MUST. How to do this only guru can reveal, He will reveal if he is pleased. Under his guidance when you do these five things every day, then and only then can anartha nivritti take place.

Envy, material desires, false ego, and harsh speech

When I noticed that my mind was trying to find faults with my Spiritual Master, who is actually the Lord personally who has come to save me - who is an expansion of my supersoul, I was disturbed.

How have I become so degraded and fallen that my envy is being directed towards fault finding even in the person who is my well wisher eternally, who is my Lord, who is my worshipable Diety, for whose pleasure I am striving and trying to chant offenselessly, for whose service I am hankering?

Does the soul choose to wear envy as an ornament? Or is envy a covering that automatically envelopes a soul who looks away from Krishna? What is envy? How does it originate? How does one become free from the influence of the false ego, envy, and material desires?

When the message of the Bhagavad Gita was spoken to Arjuna, he said, "BY YOUR MERCY, I have regained my memory". So he had lost his memory? His spiritual memory? And he got it back just by listening attentively and without envy to Krishna's words?

The Gita's message cannot be spoken to those who are envious. So we ask them only to chant. Nothing else. Chant, listen to lectures at the temple. Were Jagai and Madhai epitomes of envy? Yes. Lord Nityananda preached to them to just chant Hare Krishna. No philosophy. Just asking them to chant.

By chanting gradually the envy becomes less? What if one does not give up envy even after chanting for a long time?

Those who are envious are destined to degrade to the level of cats/dogs and other such species. Can anyone interfere in their destiny? How can it be done?

Should philosophical preaching only be done for non-envious or less envious persons? How can one judge the level of someone's envy?

I was praying today as I chanted - please free me from the influence of the false ego, of material desires, and envy. I cannot be freed from these things, but I can be freed from their influence.

The realizations I am getting while chanting are all due to the prayers of my Spiritual Master for me, and due to his mercy upon me. If I can seriously do inner work while chanting by meditating on how to remove undersirable qualities and bad habits, then my chanting will be sincere and will please my Gurudeva. I should make a vow to stop chanting inattentively - during which my mind is allowing me to mumble a mantra while it carries out its important business of engaging me in thoughts related to planning, memories of the past, and dreams of the future. I must force my mind to give up its restless need for newness and activity by focusing steadfastly on those qualities that I wish to develop and those that I wish to give up. By meditating on blessings and mercy that I am hankering for, and things i want to avoid. The dust of the feet of vaishnavas, the water that has washed their feet, and all the forms of mercy of the Lord act on one's impurities like material desires, envy, duplicity, etc. and gradually make one free from their influence (although these propensities do remain). We cannot remove these qualities from our hearts on our own. And so while chanting we must beg for mercy. Beg for shelter, service, and good association.

As time goes by I will be able to more appreciate the message of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu. Right now, I will simply focus on trying to chant offenselessly, equipped with my present knowledge.

May I never find faults with others, and be able to check the action of envy on my heart.