Nothing left to do but chant

Now, after understanding that none of the following can help me:

1. friends
2. family
3. money
4. mind
5. intelligence
6. false ego

I've come to the conclusion that the only thing left to do is

CHANT

There is nothing else left to do. I cannot help anyone. I cannot save myself. I cannot get any power through knowledge or speculation. My intelligence cannot save me.

So... it's going to be Krishna's voice from within. I do my duties (remembering Krishna), and the remaining time I CHANT. Then, if and when Krishna decides to give me an indication, I will act accordingly, speak accordingly, do accordingly. Other than that, I have no hope, no way to make my existence useful, no way to stop or slow down my accelerated path down to hell. I am drowning. I am in great illusion, thinking myself very smart. I cannot save myself, no matter what I know theoretically.

Matir na Krishne, parato svato va

I hope I can cry to Krishna to help me attach my mind to spiritual activities like hearing about Him, glorifying Him. On my own, with my own effort, I cannot change my habits and activities suddenly. I will take time, and I will need constant feedback. My Gurudeva is so wonderful and merciful, that by his grace, I am able to chant and perform hearing to some extent.

May I always worship Sri Krishna Caitanya and all the vaishnavas. May I always glorify my Gurudeva, a confidential servant of Sri Krishna Caitanya. May I humbly serve vaishnavas to receive grace on this path. There is no other hope for me.

My actions do not match my thinking, and I can understand that I am covered over with many layers, some of which I cannot perceive. This is all the more why I should completely cry and surrender to the Lotus Feet of my Lord and Master.

Hiding from the Mercy

I am discovering in myself a great desire to enjoy mental happiness, even though it is a source of anxiety and suffering. I am allowing my mind to dictate my actions, even while chanting, because I want it. I don't want to surrender to Krishna. I'm fine with not surrendering to Him as long as I can enjoy mental happiness and laziness.

I pray for being able to chant without offenses, but my duplicity remains intact. I neglectfully chant because I have faith, I know there is some wonderful thing about chanting. But I have no love, respect, gratitude, or realization of the gravity of the situation. My guru is bleeding profusely, gallons of blood for my welfare. And I am playing with fire. Allowing myself to drown. I am not sincere in my endeavor. I am trying to maintain a status quo - but that means I will be washed away in due course.

I must FIGHT. I must be greedy to develop devotion.

Purpose of accumulating knowledge is to glorify Krishna

You may keep watching one video after another on youtube. But the purpose of knowledge or accumulation of knowledge is to Glorify Krishna. Any one who helps in some way, this movement of Krishna Consciousness, achieves perfection - because he helps to Glorify Krishna.

Realizations Today

1. Bhakti Adhikara is not available to those who have no sukriti. They only have the right to perform karma.

2. One who is free from sin can be determined about engaging in devotional service.  BG 7.28

3. Once the senses are purified through devotional service, the offenseless chanting of the Holy Name is possible.

4. To become free from sin one must stop committing new sins and cleanse old sins through suffering or enjoying the results and taking help from Krishna Katha to cleanse oneself of sins. Tava kathamritam... hearing Krishna Katha removes all sins... Nashtha Prayeshu...

5. Habitually performing all actions for sense enjoyment causes knowledge to be ignored and past habits (sin) to continue. Sacrifice and austerity (chanting, hearing) force the mentality to change, gradually.

6. While chanting, the whole situation of the mind is exposed. It allows us to be able to observe its madness. It is a problem solver. So give the mind the problem of rebirth - solve this - be busy in this. This is the most important problem of life - and there is a deadline. Be panicked about the deadline.

Mood of a devotee doing something for Krishna

Furthermore, it is by His power, by His order, and by His glory that I am engaged in this task. I do not write by my own wish. I do not write to glorify myself.
-Srila Sanatana Goswami, Sri Hari Bhakti Vilas

Health - Physical and Spiritual

I've realized that the vata dosha in my body has, since my childhood, been accumulating and then spreading out into the rest of my body. An ayurveda video I saw, made me understand what havoc I've set lose within myself through my bad lifestyle and habits.

My colon has been absorbing toxins due to chronic constipation, causing the wall of the colon to be full of ama. This ama has permeated my lymphatic system, causing dandruff and pimples. It permeated my nervous system, making me a jumpy flickering person, and permeated my reproductive system as well, making me have serious uterus pain during menstruation so much so that I was vomiting and collapsing on the floor in excruciating pain.

Now my body is loaded with toxins - amavishya, and if this amavishya turns to garvisha, I will have serious medical disease.

To reverse the damage, I need to drink warm ghee every morning, and massage my body (abhyanga) with warm sesame seed oil everyday for five minutes before taking a bath. This will improve my blood circulation, and oil my body from inside and outside, helping the toxins to come lose and float out back to the colon. From there I need to get the toxins out of my body by proper evacuation. I must keep my body and diet warm, moist and oily. This will help me reverse my vata dosha and get to a point of better balance. The result will be that my confusion, nervous anxiety, cravings, and other health problems will leave me on their own.

I also need to exercise daily - for ten to twenty minutes. This should be a priority in my life and I need to have a routine that incorporates this as a step of the day. My deep-rooted belief that exercise is optional and not required needs to be challenged and removed. If I don't do it, I can't surrender to Krishna. So it's a matter of life and death. If I don't exercise, I should not care to live.

My spiritual health is tagging behind my physical health, being dependent on it. I have now realized that I must chant saying this "Oh dear Mahamantra, Oh Holy Name, You are non-different from Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu. You are my only friend, my only hope out of the clutches of my crazy uncontrolled mind, and my only support. Please be merciful to me. I know I have chanted You offensively and committed so many other offenses to You. I left You, and turned away from You. But I must return to You - where else is there to go? I am sorry. I repent my past actions. I must be punished for them my Lord. But please do not forsake me. Please accept me as your own and embrace me to Your heart. Please come and reside in my heart. Please help me kill all these demons who I am mistaking as my friends and who live in my heart and make me walk on the path to hell. I surrender to You my Lord. Please do with me as You like. everything I have is Yours, I am Yours. Please engage this fallen servant of Yours in Your service. Please fulfill this desire my Lord, for You are the only one who can do so, and You are known to be the primeval philosopher who has been fulfilling the desires of all since time immemorial."

I want to chant in this state of mind, and I must remind myself every day to chant in this mood. I hope to remember this, by the grace of my Lord and Master.

I hope that these reformations in lifestyle, habits, diet, and mood while chanting, will help me progress faster on the path of Krishna Consciousness. This may someday enable me to perform deity worship with love and dexterity. It may help me lift the consciousness of others. It may help me live a simple life of full surrender.

I thank you, Gurudeva. Without your mercy, these realizations are not possible. You are spending your vital energy to help me and uplift me. How can I ever repay you? You are my eternal Lord and Master. May all my endeavors always be an effort to please you. May my life be a basket of fragrant flowers that encircle your lotus feet.