Firm Faith

Krishna is the source of my existence. He has reciprocated with me in my darkest hour. He will protect me always from all dangers. Only He can protect me from dangers. No one can protect me, not my own mind, intelligence, or me myself, I cannot save myself.

So why am I hesitating? Krishna has given me the chance to enjoy material laziness. I can cook nice things, sleep as much as I like. So? Should I postpone surrender? Should I continue sense gratification? It is the seed of misery, if I consider something as mine I WILL suffer. Because it is not the truth. Nothing belongs to me.

The flickering happiness in the material realm is deceptive

I do enjoy some happiness here. I like the taste of manchurian balls. How is that misery and suffering?

Note to self from future understanding: Pleasure of the mind and senses is contrived and limited to them - the soul only suffers. The mind and senses may convince us that we are happy and enjoying. It is however, like the mad and insane who want to scratch their eyes out because they think it is pleasurable. How can plucking out your own eyes give pleasure? This is insanity. In the same way, indulging in sensual pleasures only causes more disease and inflammation of desires. How can adding fuel to the fire be considered happiness? The soul, it suffers.

Well, after this taste, the tongue is not satisfied. It wants more. Moreover, all that remains is the memory of that wonderful taste, hankering, and distraction to avoid the pain of loss, that all the balls are finished, or that the appetite is finished. The mind is meditating on all the objects of the senses. Hankering. When it's time to relish, then the clock is ticking. And then, like bubbles of foam on an ocean, the bubble bursts. No more. Finished. You want more? Work like a donkey for it. Take whiplashes. Take birth again. Suffer in old age. Lose everything.

Pleasure and gain do not come without their other sides, of misery and loss. Someone loves their daughter, lives for her, photographs her, thinks constantly of her. What happens? She goes away. Either by death, or marriage, or fighting. But it's not even the truth. Is that really your daughter? for how long? Who is she in eternity?

True happiness is inside

I am finally able to understand that happiness from within is true happiness. No one can take that away from me.

When I saw Srila Radhanath Swami Maharaja at Chowpatty this kartik, he was busy with GBC meetings, the passing away of his beloved friend Srinathji prabhu, and meeting Chowpatty residents after he had announced his kartik yatra and other travel plans as cancelled due to bad health. He was under a lot of duress to be with many and meet many devotees. I did not want to burden him. Dauji was standing in line for Gurupuja and Maharaja beckoned him and embraced him. I saw that and a big smile stretched across my face. I went across to Dauji, thinking I would ask him if he wanted to gift Maharaja all the cash he had been insisting I keep with me at all times in case we see Maharaja. He told me this is not the time. Meanwhile as I walked across to the Prabhu side of the temple room, Maharja looked at me pensively and with lowered lips, expecting strange behavior and perhaps planning an exit to avoid his yuppy disciple trying to get his association in the wrong time at the wrong side of the room. I looked briefly at him but only spoke to Dauji, then turned around the other way and without looking at Maharaja again, made it across the room to the mataji line for Gurupuja.

I then felt miserable that after having reacted with "No Maharaja, there is nothing to be proud of", I could speak with him on neither of the two occasions that I saw him: once in Vrindavana as he walked out of the pandal at the Goshala to circumambulate a cow on Go-ashtami before giving his lecture on Govardhan Leela, and the second here in Chowpatty, a year later.

I wondered if I was doomed to offend him continually like this - abruptly leaving his company when he said "I am proud of you" after my tearful retort, never speaking with him after, not even looking and bowing down, not even smiling, no folding of hands. In the Vrindavana scene, I simply walked toward him confused because I was searching for Dauji (who left for the lecture because I kept him waiting), then realized I must bow down, and got the dust of his feet. In Chowpatty, I just looked at him, but did not smile or bow or even nod my head down. I just ignored him completely. Except at Damodar ashtakam prayers in the morning, I saw him and folded my hands and head down in prayer when I saw him - there was no place to offer obeisances.

My happiness is that when I was in GEV, I heard a song in my heart - realizing that these are the emotions my Gurudeva is feeling - "Yaar hamara tha woh, Chu ke hamare dil ko, Kahaan gaya, use Dhundho". I could understand how he felt about Srinathji prabhu.

And I heard this song when I was in Mayapur, wondering if I had offended him. "You say it best... when you say nothing at all." "The smile on your face lets me know that you need me, there's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me..."

And I realized that my Gurudeva loves me so much. And that he is so pleased that I did not try to walk up to him and talk to him. To him, it is more important that I follow his instructions and deepen my bhakti toward him and our parampara.

Yet another song came "I'm sorry that I made you cry, I didn't mean to hurt you." Which makes sense to me because he must have been mortified at my reaction post the initiation ceremony.

My emotions that time were "But I haven't done anything yet" and I cried and said "No Maharaja, there is nothing to be proud of." I felt honestly that this was true - how could he be proud of me? Me? I had just been meditating on my fallen past earlier that day.

But later when reading Srimad Bhagavatam - when Prthu Maharaja was praised by his ministers for his future acts, he smiled and responded "I have not done anything yet." This is true humility - where we are not in pain and perturbed by praise - we simply coolly and calmly brush it off without any drama of tears or anger. My humility is false. I have no true humility.

Pain is because the false ego needs something to be proud of. And seeing that there is nothing like that, it becomes angry and sad - why is there nothing to be proud of? why am I not perfect? this serpent is always thinking like this.

In the end, I can see that if I simply focus on chanting more rounds offenselessly - associate nicely with the Acharyas through songs and prayer, and do my duties, I will be able to receive the instructions that I am hankering for from the very day that I got the naam aabhas experience of chanting, which I once again experienced when I cried before Krishna to remove my lust. May these memories nourish my faith and bhakti. May I achieve that gift of love from Krishna and my Gurudeva. May I roll in the dust of pure devotees without second thoughts. May I become purified of all my anarthas by honoring the remnants of saintly Vaishnavas.